This jury is finally done, then I have to print a big edition tomorrow, then I have to make a whole magazine, then I have to make so many more paper dresses, then I have to make more paintings, then I have to make another print, then I have to graduate. Spread too thin could describe my feelings right now.
I don't even want to go on my trip after graduation right now. It just feels like one more thing I have to do. I just want to sit back and relax for a while. Go to work, come home and not have a thousand things hanging over my head. I could go ride my bike anywhere for as long as I wanted in the evening sun.
I just want to be a person I like. I just want to be something that I am not right now. Not that I don't like me, I just feel so oppressed by circumstances. I want to be more carefree. I have no friends, I sit at home painting in my room, I have no money to do anything, not like I'd have the time even if I had any money. I want to ride my bike for hours to the woods where I would walk for hours, lay in the moss for hours, cloud gaze for hours.
I want to sleep in a tent in the middle of the forest by a creek and listen to the woodland things lullaby me to sleep. I want to wake up and dip my feet in frigid ice water before making breakfast and tea over a campfire. I want my clothes to air dry on a clothesline between pines. I want to sip iced tea outside sitting on asphalt, smelling summer and cigarettes. I want to run around and go everywhere and nowhere. I want to lay on the tonneau of my car soaking in heat and rays.
I wish I was seventeen again, except how I am now. I wish I was so carefree. I wish I wasn't so lonely and so sad all the time. I just want to go home to Alaska after graduation where I could have a warm home and friends (fam) around all the time. People who love me and understand me. Healthy meals all the time. Someone to talk to.
But I have to go out. I have to make it on my own. I have to be independent and start my own life.
This is the lamest post of all time. Disregard.
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